In the spirit of Update Your Resume Month (yeah, it’s a fucking thing. I’m petitioning the Internet for a “sit in a cold, dark room and don’t acknowledge any kind of arbitrary celebrations for a month” month), we’ve compiled a list of tips certain to land you that dream job, help improve the time spent in your miserable grey-walled, shit-smelling office, or, at the very least, give you a few free laughs while you sign up for yet another rideshare driving gig.
- Fudge the numbers: So what if you didn’t actually spend five years in the Peace Corps or aren’t a Photoshop-slinging, InDesign-wielding, Dreamweaver-casting Adobe wizard? They’ll be so enamored by the Laser Cat pearl snap you’re sporting, they won’t think to question your supposed badassery. No brainer. Moving on.
- Name drop yourself like it’s hot: Employers want to hire interesting people. They don’t want to settle for another boring ass white bread nobody who posts up at the water cooler to talk about reruns of Breaking Bad and how coconut oil is actually just as fatty as butter. Spill the hottest tea about your own life! Where’s the weirdest place you’ve boned? What’s the strangest grocery store run-in you’ve had? Ever get so drunk you try to scale your apartment gate, fall, and land on your manicured nails, causing an entire fingernail to fall off, waking up in a small puddle of your own blood? Yeah, me neither… If you don’t have bewildering, dumbass moments to fall back on, make yourself the most interesting person in the room with one of these dope ass desk signs.
- Be an adult and USE POO POURI, DAMN IT: C’mon, guys. It’s the year of our Lord Beyonce 2017 and you need to get a handle on your bowels. If you’re making a trip to the loo, take some Poo-Pouri with you and COVER THAT SHIT SMELL UP. No one wants to get slapped in the face with that rank when they walk into the bathroom. They’re definitely going to look under the stall to see if they recognize your shoes and they’re definitely going to judge you for not having prettier smelling shit. Call our shop, order some Throne Spray, and we’ll ship it to you directly.
- Save the day and be the guy/gal who has EVERYTHING in that one magical treasure chest of a desk drawer: Cough drops, band aids, whiskey shooters, extra socks, voter registration packets, copies of The Cranberries’ No Need to Argue album on CD. Whatever your co-workers need, you have, giving you infinite “fuck yeah” points and IOUs from Stacy in Accounting, who’s perpetually hungover and in need of a concealer/Aspirin/espresso pick-me-up cocktail. Throw in a zero fucks given spoon for good measure and good laughs.
- Whatever you do, be the best at it: Let’s get real Mr. Rogers Neighborhood for a sec and remember to be the capital B-E-S-T at whatever it is we’re doing. It’s easy to get a case of the Monday’s all year long and let the Fantasy Football League spend a littleeeeee too much time in our browser history, but in the words of Ron Swanson, “Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.” (Snag a print as a helpful reminder here.)
There it is folks. Your golden ticket to being better at literally every single thing you do in life. You’re welcome. Tip your blog post writer. See you next month for whatever unpredictable, unnecessary holiday we’re celebrating then. Until that time, buy cool shit and shop local.