The official scientists of ZZZ are back at it again with a fool-proof guide to not being a colossal piece of shit as your ring in the new year. Don’t @ us when these handy-dandy tips don’t work for you. While it’s undeniably true that God don’t make no junk, we’re hoping you all feel inspired to put down the toilet seat, start flossing (don’t even PRETEND you floss, you deceitful ass-hat), and take care of your assholes in 2018.
Use the left lane how God intended.
The only reason you should be cruising in the left lane on I35 or Mopac or any other Goddess-forsaken highway in Austin is if your car is literally on fire. Otherwise, pass on the left, then MOVE BACK TO THE CENTER LANE. There’s nothing more infuriating than that one dick-hole who goes 10 under in the far left lane, leaving the rest of us to Mad Max our way through semis and the rest of traffic. Be a good person. Use the left lane for passing only.
Call your parents more or whatever. They love that shit.
Is there anything more adult than getting a calendar reminder on your phone every Thursday at 4pm to call your mom? Yeah, there probably is, but this is a total class act move. Call your mom, send them thoughtful gifts, be a caring son/daughter. While we’re at it, stop borrowing money from them. You’re better than that.
Use Pou-Pourri in public, dammit!!
I swear to Dolly if you’re actually taking shits in public restrooms and aren’t using Pou-Pourri at this point in your life, you’re a grade-A piece of shit and there’s little hope for you. Is there a worse feeling than walking into a stall after someone’s asshole exploded into the toilet bowl right before you? Give us a call, order throne spray, and we’ll ship it to you, ya filthy animals.
Get off Tinder, dude.
It’s time. Delete the hook up app and upgrade to the refined, educated, classy older sister, Bumble. Nothing says “you’re probably a total piece of shit,” then a Tinder bro profile, interested in Netflix and home-brewed beer, looking for their “partner in crime” to share INTP jokes with. FUCKING BARF. Get rid of the pizza emojis, “must have a sense of humor” pleas, and work out photos. You’re better than this. Elevate your romantic endeavors 2k18.
Be more like Willie.
You know who’s not a total piece of shit? Our boy Willie Nelson. Not only did he start writing music at S E V E N years old, he once ran into a burning house, consumed by fire, smoke, and smoldering pieces of his own belongings to heroically, selflessly, courageously save...his weed. He is, quite literally, the coolest man to walk the earth. Bask in his unending glory and soak up some of his awesome with this badass candle.
Want to upgrade your life status to coolest d-bag in the room? Shop local, shop vulgar, shop ZZZ. Walk in wearing one of our dope-ass pearl snaps and you’re GUARANTEED cool guy status. Remind yourself of your newfound vow to not be a piece of shit with this “Suck Less, Thanks” desk sign. Sport our shit and 2018 will be your year. And that’s a scientific fact.There you have it, folks. Jot that down and put it under your pillow, cool side. DM us with ways you’re bettering yourself in 2018. Keep it nasty, shop ZZZ, and happy new year, ya fuckin’ weirdos!!