THANKSGIVING TRICKS & TIPS
By Morgan Zaslavsky
Pinterest… a whole world that you’ve never had the balls to dive into (WARNING: Pinterest may give you a false sense of craftiness and a culinary prowess you may never live up to). You see your girlfriend constantly scrolling through it, making you shit your pants seeing her “Future Wedding” board. Turns out this deep dark hole can be helpful in situations like these where you have to make your home look presentable for outsiders.
When it comes to decorations and table settings, this is the gold mine. You will find everything here that your guests will want to see, table arrangements, ways to display your food, and so much more. I know you woke up this morning with a half eaten McDonald’s Big Mac spilling out of your mouth and your toilet seat covered in piss, but this is why I’m here to help you.
Wanna go classic? Let’s go classic. We got our turkey, our mashed potatoes, stuffing, green bean casserole, butternut squash, now garnish all that shit and then throw it away because we’re doing it better.
Why spend half the day cooking and cradling this turkey when you don’t even have a proper knife to cut it up with. Wrangle that bird and deep fry it. Yeah you heard me right, deep fry that land bird. After that, instead of making the plain old boring pie that everyone expects, get some gummy bears and soak them for a few hours in your $10 McCormick’s vodka. Spruce it up a bit by putting the gummy bears in the finest dish you own. Your family will thank you for the numbing candies to tolerate your MAGA hat wearing uncle’s racist-build the wall-Hillary’s email comments.
Who doesn’t love listening to Metallica during your soothing thanksgiving feast? That’s right, your girlfriend’s parents. Turns out, Spotify has got your back. If you don’t usually listen to music anyone would approve of, nonetheless want to sit through a whole, probably already awkward meal listening to, Spotify has this shit on lock for you. Search “dinner” and there will be stuff popping up like “Jazzy Dinner” and “Classical Feast”. You know people will eat this up.
Alright remember, you’re gonna be dealing with some people you don’t like here. Regardless of it being just your friends, or friends and family included, there’s gonna be someone that you didn’t want there. So you know what you’re gonna do? Assert your dominance with the clothing on your body. Wear the boldest things you own. Instead of offending them with your usual vulgarity or “haven’t showered in possibly 2 weeks” aroma, let’s change it up and offend them with the things in your closet. For this year only and every other year we offer fine embroidered crap for you to wear to your thanksgiving feast. If there’s any other holiday tradition to keep up with, other than disappointing your family, wear the most offensive Triple Z shirt you can get your grimy hands on.
Finally, what to do when your friends invite you to their vegan thanksgiving? Block their number.